Once again I am proud to be an American. Once again a young mieskeit (she was about 32 in the days of the Free Corporate Jet Rides) who is not the wife of a major political figure -- the presumptive Republican presidential nominee -- has tossed one of those round terrorist stink bombs into the democratic process, and grabbed my country's Page 1 headlines. For a change, the media tsunami is starting from the Top Down, with a bombshell story in The New York Times, descending thence toward the supermarket tabloids, and finally to your trusted source for all things U.S. Politics, Agence-Vleeptron Presse.
Though ordinarily I rely on The New York Times as an effective Sleep Aid -- its ability to send me to Dreamland ranks right up there with Henry James and the banned hypnotic Methaqualone -- their story about Senator John McCain and the mieskeit lobbyist was almost exciting and vigorous. These are virtues distinct from Excellent Journalism, which the story indeed was. I read every fucking word and never nodded off once.
The McCain campaign's response and defense was that The New York Times is liar liar pants on fire and it is absolutely totally 100% Not True that the old married geezer ever inserted any part of his body or any tobacco products into the young mieskeit lobbyist's steaming, quivering orafices. Mrs. McCain stood proudly next to her beloved war hero husband to make her absolute belief in that fact absolutely clear.
Of course The Times never said he did any such thing. That wasn't what their story was about.
Their story was about an old fuzzy fool who, throughout his political career, trusts every Caucasian multimillionaire and billionaire in an expensive Italian suit who flies him around the country and the planet for free in a corporate jet and writes fat checks to the Senator's election campaigns. And of course the young female lobbyist representative of the Caucasian gazillionaire who's just there to see that the Senator is comfie and has an extra pillow and a nice drinky-poo while he flies for free from DC to Phoenix.
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PROFESSIONAL ETHICS DISCLOSURE
PROFESSIONAL ETHICS DISCLOSURE
To the best of my knowledge, neither I nor any employee of A-VP has ever accepted a free ride on a private luxury corporate jet. To the best of my knowledge, neither I nor any employee of A-VP has ever been offered a free ride on a private luxury corporate jet.
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So what's so disgusting about me that I have to buy coach tickets on American Airlines and take off my shoes and remove all metal objects while they hustle me through the metal detector, huh?
It's not that awful Geezer Age thing -- McCain is fully 10.4 years older than I am. Is it just his raw Navy bomber pilot war hero good looks? Does he shower and comb his hair more often than I do? Why isn't anybody offering me free rides on corporate jets so I can do valuable journalistic research in the Caribbean and Bali? Am I not a man and a brother?
Possibly, The Times suggested, it's because I'm not the chairman of the U.S. Senate Commerce Committee, which oversees legislation beneficial to telecommunications gazillionaires. Yes indeed there was innuendo in The Times story. Low, sleazy, cheap innuendo. Anyone who knows John McCain knows he would never let huge campaign contributions or free trips on corporate jets or attractive young lobbyist women influence his votes in the Senate. The very suggestion is an insult to this fine, honest public servant. Let's all riot outside The New York Times building tomorrow to show our disgust at the way they've besmirched the reputation of this fine American who is just an ordinary joe just like you and me doing his best to become the next President.
McCain isn't dishonest or corrupt. Exactly. To be dishonest or corrupt, you have to have some crisp, clear notion that you're doing something dishonest or corrupt. And McCain is the original Senator Fuzzy. His gazillionaire banking pal Charles Keating calls him on the phone (my guess is on a straight-through private speed-dial number) and sings the blues to McCain that Evil Federal Banking Regulators are unfairly causing him and his huge Lincoln Savings & Loan Association woe and tsuris. And when a Caucasian gazillionaire contributor calls, McCain listens. McCain joined four other U.S. Senators to arrange a command meeting with the federal banking investigators to tell them to Back Off and Be Fair to their upstanding gentleman friend Charles Keating.
A little bit later, Charles Keating was led away in handcuffs, did four years in the can, Lincoln had gone belly-up, Keating pled guilty to $1,000,000 worth of bankruptcy fraud, and though Keating claims to be flat broke, he has agreed to repay the federal government U$4,300,000,000 (yes, Billion) if he or his wife ever find any money around the house. (Later an appeal nullified that debt, Mr. and Mrs. Keating now owe taxpayers nothing.)
In his memoirs, McCain writes extensively about how this experience as a founding meatball of "The Keating Five" broke his heart and caused him terrible dismay and public embarrassment. How he should have known better. How he would have acted differently if only he had realized that his Caucasian gazillionaire big-contributor pal in a great Italian suit might not be 100 percent honest and kosher or dealing straight with him. But how could he reasonably have been expected to know? All signs pointed to Outstanding Caucasian Family Values American Businessman: The suit, the jet, the wife and 4 kids, the dog, the golf. He even had a nice strong Anglo-Saxon name.
I wonder how easy it would be to phone Senator John McCain and chat with him, just him and me, for fifteen minutes about some issue which I feel is very important to me and to the nation and the world? Maybe on Monday I'll start phoning. I know he's a very busy man. But who knows, maybe his staff will put me through to the Senator and I can use my access to this Good Listener and Concerned Legislator to pursuade him to support my cause. I'll pay any long-distance phone fees, but I'm sure it won't cost me any big campaign donations. Because I think that would be sort of unethical, n'est-ce pas? To send his campaign $25,000 and then try to get him on the phone?
Well, maybe it would be legal under current laws and Congressional ethics rules. (Congressional ethics reform is McCain's Big Deal, he's a-gonna Clean Up This Congress and purge it of unseemly big-corporate-money influence.) But it -- well, it just seems fishy smelly. I'm sure he'll take my call and chat with me without any big up-front campaign contribution.
If his staff wants the check stub number before they put me through to The Big Guy, I'm sort of in trouble, I don't think I can afford more than $25. Maybe that will buy me 0.75 seconds of the Senator's time. But that should be enough, he's a great listener.
Anyway, check out the image. I think the suburban Virginia lobbying firm Alcalde & Fay
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has yanked this photo from their website, but it was still lingering on a Google image search. You got to grab these things quick, they tend to evaporate and disappear.
Whaddya think? Is she hot hot hot? Is she Worthy to bring the presumptive Republican presidential nominee staggering to his knees?
Boy, this is a great campaign. Highly entertaining. I am so proud to be an American. And I'll bet she never even unbuttoned the top button of her blouse while she was flying to Phoenix with the old fool. She probably just laughed heartily at the old geezer's jokes and listened raptly to his stirring war reminiscences, and then chatted informally with him about telecommunications issues pending before his committee.