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08 November 2015

at le Cinema PolyOdeon QuadruplePlex-16 RealD (tm) IMAX (tm) off Exit 6a I-84 / e-mails from cineaste who grew up in Jura

cliquez pour le format anamorphique

Yo Bob
I DEMAND THAT I AM GIVEN BACK THOSE 40 MINUTES I HAVE WASTED ON THIS GODAWFUL PIECE OF UTTER SCHEISSDRECK AND I WANT THAT TIME BACK RIGHT BLOODY FLAMING NOW !!!

Naturally after 24 hours I have forgotten most of what I have seen. Bob /Pauline Keel Was Right. I think I only saw about 40 or 50 minutes of it anyway and started doodling on the iPad.

This is an A List Movie ? Huh ? The 3D animations were absolutely mondblowing and flawless, there were some nice scenes – the rest is utterly forgettable.

Of all the characters Chriss Pratt (a comedian ? Seriously ?) is somewhat likeable, the nerds at the control center were ok, the rest is – forgettable.

Plot line ? Bloody hell, don’t get me started. What we have here is a classic Monster Movie in the B Category that has more to do with It Came From Outer Space, King Kong or Godzilla BUT NOT DINOSAURS !  Of course I knew I was watching a sorta wanna-be SF movie, but if you construct you own universe  just make sure it does not collapse in on itself. That plot has more holes in it that swiss cheese and I know bloody well what I am talking about here – a chameleon “dinosaur” – in an amusement park. Who wants to see that ? When I heard that I thought “oh good, it is going to break out of its cage and cause death and destruction while being able to shape-shift. Brilliant idea, mate ! You reckon park visitors would pay for a thing they can hardly spot ? But since it can shape-shift we have the perfect scenery for some action...”
Good SF, even unrealistic SF works because that self-sustaining bubble has rules based on the logic of that bubble. This movie has no logic, it is just popcorn trash and the most dissapointing thing is that this is supposed to be an A list movie....
I mean I like popcorn movies, my generation was raised on american movies like Indiana Jones, Back To The Future, Star Wars and all that. But ya gotta draw the line somewhere....

The original Jurassic Park (based on a Michael Crichton book, I believe) hat a decent plot, good actors playing believable charactars, it hat dinosaurs, action, a few funny moments – and even a message, even if it was a small one. And I can still remember this movie.

This kacke had none of that and if this is the current state of Hollywood Popcorn Blockbuster Movies then I am utterly baffled. Neffe liked it, but he’s 14 and you know how kids at that age are. Just you wait ‘till the little bugger can clock stuff like Brazil, Blade Runner, Seven, The Godfather etc. ! I have already lost him when it comes to mainstream music but I might have a chance with doing something for his cineastic intellect before it is too late.

Yet not all is lost. I hear The Martian is pretty good, and if the movie is only 1/4 as cool as the book and they haven’t fucked it up too much this one might be a treat....

P.

From: Robert Merkin
Sent: Saturday, November 7, 2015 9:54 PM
To: PatfromCH
Subject: Re: At the movies

Pauline Kael had a book about movies called Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, which is what Italians call James Bond, Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.

Jurassic World -- well, I told you, it was Supercalliafragialistic Amaze-o-Scope 4D Popaphonic (tm) Popcorn Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Roar Roar. All Phineas T. Barnum, the great showman who brought The Amazing White Elephant to America. (A school -- well, not mate, we didn't like one another -- but a school guy now owns the Barnum and Baily Circus. He has to swear to the media a lot that he would never mistreat or do weird surgical things to turn horses into unicorns. He doesn't do that anymore. And the tigers and lions all have Luxury Erste Klasse air-conditioned cage and train accomodations.)


These are wonderful movies to smoke hasheesh or take LSD or drink absinthe to. And to watch with dates -- a couple of rented Jung Madchen at the Nevada bordello. (Stay away from the convenience-store faux viagra.)

And then, Ms. Kael said, you immediately forget all about it. The movie is entirely consumable in the theater. No residue remains in your brain.
"You'll laugh! You'll cry! You'll kiss three bucks goodbye!"

-- promo for "Hardware Wars"

As I said, there is a tragedy associated with this bag of gobshite, and that is that Chris Pratt is an inspired W.C. Fields Chaplin-class comic.

"Dying is easy. COMEDY is hard." 

-- Edmund Kean, Shakespearean actor

Chris is very much a Brain Comic, the intellectual absurdities of existence are his special forte, but if you want him to tumble down into a dark muddy hole and garbage pit on a cold night, he's happy to do that, too. And do it as well as Fields (the world's finest juggler ever) did. (Fields did it all while drunk, but I haven't heard what, if anything, Chris Pratt uses/abuses.)

Great comics are often gifted musicians, or at least have natural musical talents, because it's all in the rhythm and the tempo.

Have you heard the world-shattering news? James Bond shagged a 51-year-old woman! She's really -- uhhhh -- well, okay, not HOT, but uhhh ... well, not too far Out Of Code, as Brits say in likening an older woman to grocery store cheese in your refrigerator that is still safe to consume. I wonder what Bond Girl No. 1, Ursi, thinks about this new surprise development in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang World. Today Barbara Bach, another Bond Girl, was on TV in her first comedy, Caveman, where she met and then married Ringo Starr. The whole thing is Very Funny, and all the pretty young women are dressed in skimpy animal skins.
SWMBO looks at some women on TV and mutters "mutton dressed as lamb" -- like Angela Merkel dressing like a Japanese schoolgirl to emphasize her attractive seductive youngness.
You laughed, you cried, you kissed how many Swiss francs goodbye? Say hi to Neffe.
Bob

(SWMBO left me all alone this weekend! gtg, identical twin redhead freckled cheerleaders Tiffani and Heather are waiting for me in the hot tub.)


----- Original Message -----
From: "PatfromCH"
To: "Robert Merkin"
Sent: Saturday, November 07, 2015 2:28 PM
Subject: At the movies

Watching jurassic world with my nephew on bluray Oh dear what  awful gobshite.....

Von meinem iPad gesendet=

1 comment:

PatFromCH said...

Let me give y’all another example of what I mean.
Philip Kindred Dick wasn’t always on a roll when he wrote SF for five cents a word, but the good stuff is some of the best you will find in american literature. Period.
One of the recurring themes / meta plots in Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep and Blade Runner is about the fact that all live animals went extinct and electric faksimiles are all the rage. People don’t fancy big cars, they aspire to get an electric sheep as a status symbol. Unrealistic, of course, the whole ecosyste would collapse in real life without real animals, but in Dick’s Universe this trick is believable. To this day I still dunno for sure if the owl in the Tyrell Building is fake or not (or if Deckard is a Replicant or not). It makes you think about what is real, what Reality is. Apart from that you get a film noir whodunnit with lots of action and explosions. That is fine with me. Summet is happening and I am being provoked to use me brain a bit.

What you get in Jurassic World is just action, no substance, no sub or meta story, just a hungry chameleon dinosaur with a destructive attitude. Bleh. The general public, the termites might not be all dumb f**s who want to laugh and cry and kiss three quid good-bye and this is prolly why most Hollywood blockbusters fail at the box office these days. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang bloody well indeed.

Anyone got any good new movie recommendations for me ?

(I just ticked a bot that says I Am Not A Robot. Are you sure I am not a Replicant ? Am I sure ? What about my memories ? )