CRUMMY OLD WINE DEPT: Woof woof. Bark woof woof bark. Bark. Ruff ruff. Bark woof bark. Arf bark woof woof. DiMaggio? / Wonders of the Invisible World / Spectral Evidence / Support Your Local Police Dogs

Click. You'll see better, they'll smell better.

Apparently my Spell-Checker speaks Dog. In the Police Dog Testimony printed below, the only Red-Flagged word was "Arf".

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Guy with an ugly-looking dog goes into a bar, says to the bartender, "Listen, sir, I would really love a drink, but I'm broke. But my dog can talk. Will you give me a drink if I can prove my dog can talk?"

The bartender isn't happy, but it's a slow afternoon. He grudgingly nods his head.

"Okay, Rex ... what's on the top of a house?"

Rex immediately replies: ROOF!

The bartender scowls annoyedly.

"Waitasecond, waitasecond ... okay, Rex ... What's on the outside of a tree?"

Rex replies: BARK!

Now the bartender is really pissed off. The guy starts to panic, whispers a little pep talk in the dog's ear. The dog wags his tail enthusiastically.

"Okay, Rex, now listen carefully ... who is the greatest baseball player who ever lived?"

Rex is all excited: RUTH!

That does it. The bartender comes out from behind the bar and tosses the man and the dog out the door and onto the sidewalk.

Both of them are upset. The dog looks up at the guy and asks: DiMaggio?

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The Charleston City Paper
Charleston, South Carolina USA
Wednesday 19 November 2003

Drug War Is Winnable

To the Editor:

Michael Graham's attack on the drug raid at Stratford High School ("The Usual Suspects," Nov. 12) completely ignores the evidence of student drug possession which members of the Goose Creek Police raiding party uncovered.

According to one member of the police team, "Woof woof. Bark woof woof bark. Bark."

Another police team member has stated that "Ruff ruff. Bark woof bark. Arf bark woof woof."

These members of the Goose Creek Police raiding team are prepared to place their paws on the Bible and testify about student drug possession under oath before a grand jury.

No decent member of the community should doubt the barks of these dedicated anti-drug police agents.  Doubtless the largely African-American Stratford students who were the targets of the drug raid will deny the testimony of these highly trained and dedicated experts, who smell illegal and invisible substances far better than human beings do.

Paramilitary police need to point their revolvers at teenagers, handcuff them, and force them to the floor to keep our schools free of crime and violence. Support your local police dogs, and stop criticizing this necessary raid. Recent U.S. Justice Department statistics show that most of these African-American hoodlums are going to prison within a few years anyway. The sooner Principal McCrackin helps them learn this at gunpoint, the better prepared for it they will be.

Robert Merkin
Northampton, Massachusetts