Is this and this and this and this and this and this the face that launch'd a thousand ships, / And burnt the topless towers of Ilium? / Republican Hair Helmet / why Magyars are from Mars / why Callista is from Yobbo or Hoon
United States Pustule Service
1st Day Issue / 6-sheet
Is it possible you don't know what, or who, this is?
Be patient, citizens of Papua New Guinea!
Just wait! Because there is an outside-outside off-off-Broadway left-field chance that this very odd image will be thrust in your faces 24/7 after the summer Republican Party convention (in Tampa, Florida).
And then there is an infinitessimal chance -- we're talking asymptotic here -- that in November, this very odd image will be the new First Lady, the wife of the new president of the United States.
(ATTENTION GAMBLERS: DO NOT PUT YOUR LIFE SAVINGS ON THIS LONG-SHOT. This is not a Sure Thing like Brasil in the World Cup was.)
There is very little TV or Internet evidence that she has a voice or can make audible noises. The campaign has her more gagged than the vault guards during the Brinx Robbery.
About 2.5 weeks ago, she pulled a Comet Halley and actually sat down with someone pretending to be a journalist and gave a Fiesta de Softbol which resembled a brief interview. I didn't see/hear it, so to me it's just an unsubstantiated rumor that she has a voice box and can make herself audibly understood.
Maybe YouTube keyword Callista or Callista speaks or voice of Callista.
Well anyway, Gawker got to the core of the question everyone in North America has been asking:
What the hell is all that crap north of her throat?
Because it's ALWAYS like that. There exist no public images of this honey where she has -- comment d'it on? -- let her hair down, no papparazo snap of her a half-mile down a beach with the wind whipping through natural human female hair. Perhaps holding hands with Newt, who is wearing surfer trunks, like Blaine wore when he briefly had a dalliance on the beach with Barbie.
When she's out the front door, this is what the world sees every time. (cf. The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life, Goffmann.)
Lately S.W.M.B.O. and I have been irradiating ourself with unusually heavy doses of satellite (we got DirecTV) programs dealing with the cryptonormal or the xenobiological or the exobiotical, programs whose fundamental premise is whack jive nonsense, like that UFO Aliens inseminated Early Man and inserted into our DNA the lust for gold sufficient to keep digging and prospecting and mining it. In other words, Aliens have made us into their DNA-hypnotic Gold Slaves (because the Aliens love and value gold, but they don't like hard work, so they screwed with our DNA to make us do all the hard work for them. Get used to it. Buy a shovel).
Many experts in xenopolitical science or crypto- or exo-biopolitics believe Callista is not of our species, but is from Another World.
This would explain why she chats within microphone range so rarely -- her thick Xnvvvvvvvietto accent, which you can spot 4.71 light years away.
At Los Alamos in the late 1940s, there was a Theory, with many adherents and advocates, that Hungarians were actually Martians. The obvious evidence:
1. ethereal transcendent intellect
2. they move around a lot, they're always moving somewhere else
3. their lingo is totally unlike any of the other human languages surrounding Hungary
... so a very good case could be made that these hyper-brainy people are always changing countries and continents because they don't want to give the neighbors much time to get to know them -- and begin to suspect they're Martians.
As evidence to quash doubters, they would point around the cafeteria to Edward Teller or John von Neumann or Leo Szilard or about 6 other Magyars fundamentally important to making nuclear bombs go boom. The first humans to build a nuclear bomb were instructed largely by Magyars -- possibly because they'd had them on Mars for 94,000 years and knew all about how to design them.
So it is equally true, a fortiori, that this babe is from Outer Space -- could be from Planet Hoon, or Mollyringwald, maybe from Yobbo.
There is a way to verify this Theory. All of these species, the Hooners, the Mollyringwaldiattes, the Yobbooooo, fart concentrated gaseous nitromethane (CH3NO2). So if you sneak up behind one of them unsuspecting with a Bic, either nothing happens, or you level four city blocks. Then everyone would know this is a Theory.
But let's start with the thing on her head.
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Callista, also can be spelt as Calista, Callistee, Kallista, Kalista or Kallistee comes from the Greek for "most beautiful (fem.)" (καλλίστη - kalliste).
As a name it is derived from the Greek name of a huntress in the myth of Callisto, who was loved by Zeus. The name Callisto was changed to the common Callista for use as a name because in Latin Callista is the feminine form.
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Owner Gawker Media
Created by Nick Denton (Publisher)
A.J. Daulerio (Editor-in-Chief)
Hamilton Nolan, Brian Moylan, Maureen O'Connor, Adrian Chen, Jim Newell, John Cook, Max Read (staff writers)
Launched January 2003
Current status Active
Gawker is a newsmagazine/blog based in New York City that bills itself as "the source for daily Manhattan media news and gossip" and focuses on celebrities and the media industry.
Founded in 2003, Gawker is the flagship blog for Nick Denton's Gawker Media. Gawker has created other blogs, including Defamer, covering Los Angeles, and Valleywag covering Silicon Valley. Since folding those other blogs into Gawker.com itself, the site now uses the slogan "Gossip from Manhattan and the Beltway to Hollywood and the Valley".
Sunday 5 February 2012
If you're not busy that day ...
Wednesday 1 February 2012
The Secrets of the
Republican Hair Helmet
by Brian Moylan
This has been a remarkably entertaining Republican primary season. Amidst all the insanity, there is one thing that is so odd, unnatural, and reprehensible that it boggles my mind. No, I'm not talking about Rick Santorum. I'm talking about Callista Gingrich's hair. Her butter-blonde helmet is a feat of modern engineering. How does she get it just so?
Callista's hair is a thing of devious genius. It is also the only thing about New Gingrich that is grosser than he is asking for an open marriage. Still, her bob is exactly the same every time you see her before the camera: the indescribable height, the precise wave, the texture that simultaneously looks shellacked and like cotton candy. Callista's follicular fortress joins the ranks of other great Republican domes like Nancy Reagan's and Margaret Thatcher's (who wasn't really a Republican, but come on). So how the hell does she do it?
I called up Michael Angelo, owner of Wonderland Beauty Parlor here in New York. He helped us figure out what was wrong with Donald Trump's hair so I figured he'd be able to help here.
"It's 2012," Mr. Angelo says. "If I was looking back I'd say it was rollers and back combing, but I'm thinking it must be set with a curling iron and combed out. There's no way it's done with a blow dryer and a round brush. I don't know how you get that out of a blow dryer alone."
Michael says that Maggie Thatcher thatched her roof with rollers, as you'll see in the (deplorably bad) movie The Iron Lady but using rollers is out of favor in the hair style world. He suggests that there is a mousse or gel in the hair for foundation and then it is set, combed out, sculpted, and hairsprayed within an inch of its life.
I ask him how he would give a client the "Callista Gingrich" if she was deluded enough to ask for it. "Someone who is not a drag queen? Like a real girl? I would have to start with the cut. It has to be short enough layers around the top where you can bulk it up high without having too much weight."
What is remarkable about her 'do is that it is precisely the same every time she is in public view. "The reality of a hairstyle like that is that it takes masterful skill," he says. "You have to know every quirk of a person's hair growth to get it to work and be exactly the same every time. You can't trust that to a random stranger. She must have someone full time or close to it." He adds that not only is she dying it probably every two weeks to keep from getting any roots whatsoever, but there is no way she is doing her hair on her own on a daily basis. Having her own (probably expensive) hairstylist on staff seems like it would be a White House spending scandal waiting to happen if (God forbid) Newt were to be elected President. Just remember the John Edwards $400 haircut fiasco? This would be even worse.
What is more scandalous than that, however, is the idea that a woman would favor a haircut that seems even more reactionary than her husband's politics. While Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann are deplorable for their own reasons, at least Sarah's unfussy soccer mom updo's and Michele's natural-seeming cascade appear modern, effortless, and flattering. To liberals Callista looks like some sort of dead-eyed, Lego-haired Stepford Bible beater and after beauty queens like Palin, Bachmann, Ann Coulter, and S.E. Cupp, Callista looks a bit marmish and out of style. Even to conservatives.
With this haircut, Callista just seems so old fashioned, like her hair would be more suited to Pat Nixon, Betty Ford, or even Jackie Kennedy. Or maybe that's the thing? Maybe she's trying to weasel her way into our little minds by forcing us to associate her with a first lady just on her nostalgic noggin alone. She's winning votes one stealthy suggestion at a time.
Even Michael Angelo wonders what hair stylist would give her such an old-fashioned cut, unless she goes to the same D.C. salon as all the other out of touch GOP grande dames. (According to The New Yorker she gets it done at Sugar House in Old Town in Alexandria, Va., outside of D.C.). Or maybe it's something more sinister. Michael says, "I'm just wondering if there is some queen behind the chair laughing his ass off. 'Take this, you Republican bitch.'"
Contact Brian Moylan:
Goodbye Sliced Bread: Dress Pant Sweatpants Officially The Greatest Thing Now Gizmodo
How To Look Like Shit Jezebel
Nightmare Vagina Trend: Luxury Merkins Made of Fur
23 Jan 2012 4:47 PM
What trips me out about this chick is that she is 45-years old. And yet, she chooses to look 60+.
WHAT??!!!! NO WAY. No freaking way.
Geez, is she really? Wow.
It's amazing, isn't it.
Holy shit, how is it that I'm almost 50, and still have a more up-to-date do than her? That is frightening.
Liz the Whiz @TabithaIapetus
Woah! I didn't know that! She looks like she's in her 50's!!!
Newt probably orchestrated this so she wouldn't look like his child-bride. Since she looks older, he's hoping that people don't remember their vast age difference.
Whoa. I thought she was much older, at least a youngish looking 55. I would have said, hey, she looks okay for 55, but 45? Whoa.
She chooses to look like Newt. It's the only way she might hold onto him, for his self-love knows no bounds or end. The same cannot be said for wives.
There's a Visine for that @TabithaIapetus
You just blew my mind. I assumed she was in her early 60s up until now.
There's a Visine for that @Tigrrl
I really don't think she looks okay for 55. My mom and her friends are all hovering around 55 and they look like svelte young things compared to Callista. Her skin looks rough, but I think styling might have a lot to do with how ruddy she looks. Like, her and Pelosi look like they'd tennis together.
I think it's deliberate. The hair, the makeup, the clothes. All to avoid acting as a constant reminder that Gingrich left Wife #2 for a much younger woman. THis way, she doesn't seem any younger than her does.
promoted by gerbilsoutofexile
I beg to differ. Newt's wives will be boundless and endless, should he get his way. And, in fact, he leaves a religion with each one, as a token of his love.
I think it's because she came from the factory like that.
Tigrrl @There's a Visine for that
I guess I was feeling generous, but she does look like crap. With all that effort it takes trying to repress the memory of how she stole another woman's husband that's eating away at her from inside, no wonder her skin looks so bad. edited for errant apostrophe
Edited by Tigrrl at 01/23/12 5:37 PM
TabithaIap… @gerbilsoutofexile HA!
Yup, it'stotal old lady hair.
Hickory @Liz the Whiz
Or maybe its some kind of Stockholm syndrome thing
Look at older photos of her when her hair was longer and "free". She looked like a school-girl. She got into this relationship for one reason: to become the next First Lady. Personally I couldn't do that romping mound of lardo for all the power in the world.
I think it's deliberate as well. Like on Mad Men when Betty Draper got with the governor. She started dressing and styling her hair in a much more matronly, old-fashioned kind of way and it's easy to imagine she was trying to match her husband.
yeah, she's my age. trust me, I look noooothing like that and it flips me out that she does. I don't even know how it's possible.
Sinister Dexter @TabithaIapetus
It's probably deliberate. I mean, if she looks that much closer to his age, then its easier to downplay the fact that Newt's a creeper perv who married a woman 23 years his junior.