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22 March 2012

Cahiers du Vleeptron reviews Disney's RealD (tm) piece o crap "John Carter"

Click image to enlarge.

My parents were a little prejudiced and were always terrified I would marry a chick from Mars.

For decades, the fantasy artist Frank Frazetta had the monopoly on this kind of barbarian outland hubba-hubba scantily clad hot otherworld babe and scantily clad big sword hunkola art (I think he did the iconic art for Schwarzeneggar's "Conan the Barbarian").

Frazetta was permanently transported to The Next Realm in 2010, so I don't know who filched his trademark style for this lobby art for Disney's "John Carter." But he/she/it was very good at capturing the Frazetta spirit.

Just one week into USA theatrical release, the buzz is that "John Carter" has nearly bankrupted Disney. Apparently in all North Amerrica, eleven people bought tickets to see it. Two of them were we.

There were about six other people in the Quadruplex MultiCineOdeon-28's "Extreme Digital Theater" to see this superspectacular piece of noisy crap. (S.W.M.B.O. called it "turgid," which was a charitable adjective for it.) While 8 species of alien Martians and their ferocious alien monsters battled it out on the alien 3D landscape of Barsoom, I fell asleep 3 times, only to be awakened by the next meaningless Dolby quadrophonic explosion.

I really like the new 3D movie tech called RealD, and have had lots of cool, nifty fun with Hollywood's latest carnival sideshow gimmick. So far the two best RealD movies we've seen are Brendan Fraser's "Journey to the Center of the Earth" -- a Family-Friendly gentle-spirited movie with an actual brain and some artistry -- but the RealD flick which totally won my heart a few months ago was "A Very Merry Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas."

SPOILER ALERT: Stranded in a deserted New Jersey industrial park at night with only a shotgun, Harold decides to summon help by shooting the shotgun in the air. A few seconds later a large fat white-bearded bleeding old man in a red suit crashes to the ground at their feet. The stoned idiots blasted Santa Claus out of his sleigh as he was bringing toys to girls and boys on Christmas Eve.

But anyway,

* "John Carter" totally sucked

* you probably only have less than a week to catch it in a big RealD or IMAX-3D theater.

Now I got to split, maybe later I'll add more to this review of Disney's pathetic attempt to clone "Avatar" -- which I had already decided was the worst movie ever made (including "Plan 9 From Outer Space"). "John Carter" was worse than "Avatar."

Oh, one of the stars was Willem Dafoe, but you can't tell because he has 4 arms and big horns and is computer animated. I hope he got cash up front.


PatFromCH said...

Hang mean...someone made a movie that is worse than Avatar ?? ohdearohdearohdear !!
Because those old Barsoon stories are not exactly High Literature they would be ideal for popcorn cinema, expecially with the CGG of nowdays.
and if Vleeptron says they were able to eff that up, alas, it cannot be otherwise. Hell, they have pree-screenings where people tell them what they think about the general release of a movie. If they don't like the ending, the haircut of the main actor or a side character it will be cut and redone. so now Disney effed up on a major scale, Tant pis, happens to every big studio every now and then, yet this was a movie I had some remote interest in. Bugger

Vleeptron Dude said...

the criticism and commentary of "John Carter of Mars" continues on the next post.