Search This Blog

08 July 2012

Cahiers du Vleeptron reviews "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" / You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll kiss 12 bucks goodbye / why the Confederacy waged war to preserve African slavery

Cliquez cette fiche, peut-être plus grande.

Cahiers du Vleéptron wishes sincerely to apologize for earlier calling Disney's "John Carter of Mars" (starring Taylor Kitsch) the biggest piece of pop-o-phonic X-treme Dolby Quad 3D shit ever digitally projected on the giant summer blockbuster screen.

It was bad. For an hour and a half I was deeply ashamed to realize I had pissed away U$12 on this loud, talentless, boring crap from the Red Planet.

Fortunately there were only 2 other ashamed customers in the theater, they left before the movie ended, and a week later Disney fired its President of Feature Film Production, and began exploring current USA bankruptcy protection statutes.

"Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" (this time the mega-industrial turd factory was Fox) is worse.

Much worse.

"John Carter of Mars" was just real silly, and, with time, the human soul can get over and maybe even forget real silly.

"Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" was not only silly, it was profoundly offensive and insulting -- on a scale so epic that citizens of the United States of America -- from above or below the Mason & Dixon Line -- will never be able to hang enough air-fresheners to purge the vile stench of this 3D perversion of our national history from their nostrils. 

Whether you are from Alabama or Pennsylvania, whether your ancestors fought for the Union or Confederacy, or were African slaves, or emancipated slaves fighting for the Union, if you dropped your allowance on this offensive vomit at the CinePlex, you will never be able to forget it. 

(like it matters, sue me if I ruin this fine film for you):

"Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" finally answers many mysteries people in the USA have had about the Lincoln and Civil War era in the century and a half since those tragic days.

Why was there so much depraved, vile, morally bereft African slavery, and why did the Southern states cling to slavery so dearly that they were willing to wage fratricidal civil war to preserve it?

Well, now we finally know.

It turns out that Vampires (immigrants from depraved, debauched, Satanic Europe) were using African slaves as a huge regional blood bank, and the Vampire conspirators made a secret deal with Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederate States of America, to wage war against the northern Abolitionists, and preserve the Southern states as the Vampires' huge permanent blood bank.

How did the North prevail against the superhuman, supernatural powers of world Vampiry?

Well, it turns out that a fiendish vampire had exsanguinated and murdered little Abe Lincoln's mom, and he vowed to grow up and have his revenge someday. 

He met and apprenticed himself to a frontier Vampire Hunter, who taught him all the tricks he'd need to slay Vampires (with his big axe -- Abe was real good with an axe, but sort of sucked with firearms).

Tim Burton had something to do with this monumental pile of offensive puke, but that didn't help much.

This movie reminded me most of the horrified, revulsed faces of the opening-night audience watching "Springtime for Hitler," the Broadway flop a theatrical scam artist produces to get rich selling 10,000 percent of the show to sucker investors. (Unfortunately -- Broadway audiences being notoriously perverse -- "Springtime" became a huge smash, the investors demanded their profits, so the producer ended up in fraud prison.)

Who knows? Maybe "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" will surprise everyone and become a smash hit. 

It could be big in the South, because it explains that Southern human beings weren't the driving force behind African Slavery at all -- it was really all a Vampire thing.

There were synthetic and false moments of emotional manipulation and heart-strangulation that would shame a used-car dealer, or the Big Pharma sales department, or the publishing staff of "Seventeen" magazine. 

(A hot lady Vampire sneaks into the White House and sucks the blood from Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln's 8-year-old son Willie, and kills him. He lies in agony on his infant bed with mom and dad weeping over him for about 20 minutes.)

Well, that's really all Cahiers du Vleeptron can say about this 3D Fete du Merde at this time. We are seeking psychiatric counseling to try to get the thing out of our brains, so far with little success.

But there's more!


from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (film)

Directed by     Timur Bekmambetov
Produced by     Timur Bekmambetov
Tim Burton
Jim Lemley
Screenplay by     Seth Grahame-Smith
Based on     Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter by
Seth Grahame-Smith
Starring     Benjamin Walker
Dominic Cooper
Anthony Mackie
Mary Elizabeth Winstead
Rufus Sewell
Marton Csokas
Music by     Henry Jackman
Cinematography     Caleb Deschanel
Editing by     William Hoy
Studio     Bazelevs Company
Tim Burton Productions
Dune Entertainment
Distributed by     20th Century Fox
USA Release date: June 22, 2012
Running time     105 minutes[1]
Country     United States
Language     English
Budget     $69,000,000[2]
Box office     $49,106,376[3]

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is a 2012 American action fantasy horror film based on the 2010 mashup novel of the same name. The film was directed and co-produced by Timur Bekmambetov, along with Tim Burton. The novel's author, Seth Grahame-Smith, wrote the adapted screenplay, and Benjamin Walker stars as the title character. The real-life figure Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States (1861–1865), is portrayed in the novel and the film as having a secret identity as a vampire hunter. Filming began in Louisiana in March 2011 and the film was released in 3D on June 20, 2012 in the United Kingdom and June 22, 2012 in the United States.


In 1818, Abraham Lincoln (Benjamin Walker) lives in Indiana with his parents, Nancy (Robin McLeavy) and Thomas (Joseph Mawle), who works at a plantation owned by Jack Barts (Marton Csokas). There, Lincoln befriends a young African American boy, William Johnson (Anthony Mackie), and intervenes when he sees Johnson being beaten by a slaver. Because of his son's actions, Thomas is fired. That night, Lincoln sees Barts break into his house and attack Nancy. She falls ill the following day, and dies shortly afterwards. Thomas tells Lincoln that Barts poisoned Nancy.

Nine years later, Lincoln decides to get revenge against Barts. He attacks Barts at the docks, but Barts, who is actually a vampire, overpowers him. However, before Barts can kill him, Lincoln is rescued by Henry Sturgess (Dominic Cooper). Sturgess explains that vampires exist, and offers to teach Lincoln to be a vampire hunter. Lincoln accepts and, after a decade of training, travels to Springfield, Illinois. During his training, Sturgess tells Lincoln that the vampires in America descend from Adam (Rufus Sewell), a vampire who owns a plantation in New Orleans with his sister, Vadoma (Erin Wasson). Sturgess also tells Lincoln of the vampires' weakness, silver, and presents him with a silver pocket watch.

In Springfield, Lincoln befriends shopkeeper Joshua Speed (Jimmi Simpson), and meets Mary Todd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead). Though Sturgess warned him not to form any close relationships, Lincoln develops romantic feelings for Mary.

Lincoln successfully finds and defeats Barts. Before dying, Barts reveals that Sturgess is also a vampire. Lincoln confronts Sturgess, who reveals that, several years ago, he was attacked and bitten by Adam. Because Sturgess' soul was impure, he became a vampire, and that prevented him from harming Adam or any other vampire (since "Only the living can kill the dead"). Sturgess has since been training vampire hunters, hoping to destroy Adam.

Disappointed, Lincoln decides to abandon his mission. However, Adam learns of his activities and kidnaps Johnson to lure Lincoln into a trap at his plantation. Adam captures Lincoln and tries to recruit him, revealing his plans to turn the United States into a nation of the undead. Speed rescues his friends, and they escape to Ohio.

Lincoln marries Mary and begins his political career, campaigning to abolish slavery. Sturgess warns Lincoln that the slave trade keeps vampires under control, as vampires use slaves for food, and if Lincoln interferes, the vampires will retaliate. After Lincoln's election as President of the United States of America, he moves to the White House with Mary, where they have a son, William Wallace Lincoln (Cameron M. Brown). William is later bitten by Vadoma and dies.

Confederate President Jefferson Davis (John Rothman) convinces Adam to deploy his vampires on the front lines. Lincoln orders the confiscation of all the silverware in the area and has it melted to produce silver weapons. Speed, believing that Lincoln is tearing the nation apart, defects and informs Adam that Lincoln will transport the silver by train.

On the train, Adam and Vadoma, who have set fire to the upcoming trestle, attack Lincoln, Sturgess, and Johnson. During the fight, in which Speed is killed, Adam learns that the train holds only rocks. Lincoln reveals that Speed's betrayal was a ruse to lure Adam into a trap. Lincoln uses his watch to stab Adam, killing him, and the three escape the train before it explodes. Meanwhile, Mary and the ex-slaves have transported the silver to Gettysburg through the Underground Railroad.

The now leaderless Confederate vampires stage a final, massive assault and are met head on by the Union. Armed with their silver weapons, the Union soldiers destroy the vampires and eventually win the war.

Nearly two years later, on April 14, 1865, Sturgess tells Lincoln that the remaining vampires have fled the country. Sturgess unsuccessfully tries to convince Lincoln to allow him to turn Lincoln into a vampire, so that he can become immortal and continue to fight vampires. That night, John Wilkes Booth kills Lincoln.

In modern times, Sturgess approaches a man at a bar in Washington, D.C. as he once approached Lincoln.


    Benjamin Walker as Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States.[4]
    Dominic Cooper as Henry Sturgess, Lincoln's mentor in vampire hunting.
    Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Mary Todd Lincoln, Lincoln's wife.[5]
    Anthony Mackie as William Johnson, Lincoln's valet and friend.[6]
    Jimmi Simpson as Joshua Speed, Lincoln's friend and assistant.[7]
    Rufus Sewell as Adam, the leader of an order of vampires and the movie's main antagonist.[8]
    Marton Csokas as Jack Barts, a plantation owner and the vampire who killed Lincoln's mother.
    Joseph Mawle as Thomas Lincoln, Lincoln's father.
    Robin McLeavy as Nancy Lincoln, Lincoln's mother.[9]
    Erin Wasson as Vadoma, Adam's sister.
    John Rothman as Jefferson Davis
    Cameron M. Brown as William Wallace Lincoln, Abraham and Mary's son.[10]
    Frank Brennan as Senator Jeb Nolan
    Jaqueline Fleming as Harriet Tubman
    Alan Tudyk as Stephen A. Douglas, an American politician from Illinois.[9]


The film Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter was first announced in March 2010 when Tim Burton and Bekmambetov paired to purchase film rights and to finance its development themselves. The book's author, Seth Grahame-Smith, was hired to write the script.[11] In the following October, Fox beat other studios in a bidding war for rights to the film, having made a detailed pitch about the film's production, marketing, and release.[12]

In January 2011, with Bekmambetov attached as director, Walker was cast as Abraham Lincoln. He beat Adrien Brody, Josh Lucas, James D'Arcy, and Oliver Jackson-Cohen for the role.[4] Additional actors were cast in the following February.[13][5][7] Filming began in March 2011 in Louisiana.[4][13] The film had a budget of $69 million and was produced in 3D.[14]


Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter was originally scheduled to be released in 2D and 3D on October 28, 2011, but was later pushed back to June 22, 2012.[14][15] The movie premiered in New York City on June 18.[16] Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter also made an unconventional debut with a screening for troops deployed in the Middle East. The movie was screened to over 1800 sailors aboard the Navy aircraft carrier, USS Abraham Lincoln, which is stationed in the Middle East. Several of the film's stars attended the screening, including Anthony Mackie, Erin Wasson and Benjamin Walker, who dressed in character as Abraham Lincoln. The screening marks the first time that a major motion picture made its debut for United States servicemen and women.[17]


[NOTE: Cahiers du Vleeptron's critique is not included in the following survey.]

As of June 24, 2012, Rotten Tomatoes reports a "rotten" approval score of 35%, based on 154 reviews, with an average score of 5.0/10. The consensus reads that the film "has visual style to spare, but its overly serious tone doesn't jibe with its decidedly silly central premise, leaving filmgoers with an unfulfilling blend of clashing ingredients." Emanuel Levy of wrote that "Though original, this is a strenuous effort to combine the conventions of two genres."[18] The movie also garnered a "mixed or average" score of 42 out of 100 on Metacritic, based on 28 reviews.[19]

Richard Corliss of Time magazine elaborates, saying that "The historical epic and the monster movie run on parallel tracks, occasionally colliding but never forming a coherent whole."[20] Christy Lemire of Associated Press meanwhile, comments on the film's tenor and visual effects, saying "What ideally might have been playful and knowing is instead uptight and dreary, with a visual scheme that's so fake and cartoony, it depletes the film of any sense of danger," awarding the film a rating of 1.5 out of 4.[21] Joe Morgenstern of The Wall Street Journal agrees, saying, "Someone forgot to tell the filmmakers ... that the movie was supposed to be fun. Or at least smart."[22]

Joe Neumaler of New York Daily News gives the film a rating of 1 out of 5, writing, "This insipid mashup of history lesson and monster flick takes itself semi-seriously, which is truly deadly."[23] The title is praised by Manohla Dargis of The New York Times, who adds, "it's too bad someone had to spoil things by making a movie to go with it."[24] The title is further commented on by Barbara VanDenburgh from the Arizona Republic, who says, "The problem with movies based on a single joke is that a single joke is rarely funny enough to sustain the running time of a feature-length film".

Positive response meanwhile, came from Marc Savlov of the Austin Chronicle, "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter has heart to spare, and the occasional silvered bayonet to run it through."[25] USA Today reviewer Scott Bowles remarks, "A stylish slasher of a movie, a monster flick that does its vampires right, if not their real-life counterparts," giving the film 2.5 out of 4.[26] Further acclaim came from Joe Williams of St. Louis Post-Dispatch, who calls it, "The best action movie of the summer," and praising the film for presenting "a surprisingly respectful tone toward American values and their most heroic proponent", calling "the battlefield scenes [...] suitably epic" and finally commending leading star Benjamin Walker, "a towering actor who looks like a young Liam Neeson and never stoops to caricature."[27]

Box office

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter debuted on June 22, 2012 in the United States screening at 3,108 theaters. It grossed $6,300,000 on its opening day, domestically[28] and $701,000 at its midnight showings and ended up grossing $16.6 million over the weekend in third place behind Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted and Disney Pixar's Brave.

As of July 6, it has made a domestic total of $32,106,376 and $17,000,000 at the international market for a total of $49,106,376.[29]

Home media

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is set to be released on DVD and Blu-ray in the United States and Canada on September 18, 2012. [30]



The soundtrack to Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter as composed by Henry Jackman was released digitally on June 12, 2012 and set to be released physically on July 3, 2012.[31][32] In addition, Linkin Park's song "Powerless", from their 2012 album Living Things premiered in the official trailer to Abraham Lincoln and is reportedly set to be played over the closing credits.[33] However, the song was not featured in the soundtrack.[34]

No.     Title     Artist     Length  

1.     "Childhood Tragedy"       Henry Jackman     0:54
2.     "Vampires"       Henry Jackman     3:06
3.     "What Do You Hate?"       Henry Jackman     1:15
4.     "Power Comes from Truth"       Henry Jackman     2:29
5.     "You Are Full of Surprises"       Henry Jackman     1:15
6.     "Mary Todd"       Henry Jackman     1:56
7.     "The Horse Stampede"       Henry Jackman     3:15
8.     "Henry Sturgess"       Henry Jackman     0:55
9.     "Adam"       Henry Jackman     1:28
10.     "Rescue Mission"       Henry Jackman     1:15
11.     "Inauguration"       Henry Jackman     1:52
12.     "All Slave to Something"       Henry Jackman     2:49
13.     "Emancipation"       Henry Jackman     0:45
14.     "Haunted by the Past"       Henry Jackman     3:00
15.     "Battle at Gettysburg"       Henry Jackman     0:49
16.     "Forging Silver"       Henry Jackman     1:40
17.     "80 Miles"       Henry Jackman     1:52
18.     "The Burning Bridge"       Henry Jackman     3:41
19.     "Not the Only Railroad"       Henry Jackman     1:38
20.     "The Gettysburg Address"       Henry Jackman     2:22
21.     "Late to the Theater"       Henry Jackman     2:00
22.     "The Rampant Hunter" (iTunes exclusive)     Henry Jackman     5:30

See also

    Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies
    Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter


    ^ a b c Abrams, Rachel; Oldham, Stuart (January 27, 2011). "Ben Walker is Abe Lincoln, 'Vampire Hunter'". Variety.
    ^ a b Abrams, Rachel (February 17, 2011). "Fox finds Mary Todd Lincoln for 'Vampire Hunter'". Variety.
    ^ Zeitchik, Steven (March 2, 2011). "'Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter' star Anthony Mackie: Our movie will be educational". Los Angeles Times.
    ^ a b Kroll, Justin (February 25, 2011). "Jimmi Simpson joins 'Vampire Hunter'". Variety.
    ^ Abrams, Rachel (April 12, 2011). "Rufus Sewell to play villain in 'Vampire Hunter'". Variety.
    ^ a b Sneider, Jeff (March 17, 2011). "Alan Tudyk joins 'Vampire Hunter'". Variety.
    ^ url=
    ^ Siegel, Tatiana (March 2, 2010). "Tim Burton to produce 'Abraham Lincoln'". Variety.
    ^ McClintock, Pamela (October 4, 2010). "'Abraham Lincoln' logs film rights sale". Variety.
    ^ a b Abrams, Rachel (February 10, 2011). "Dominic Cooper stakes key role in 'Abe Lincoln'". Variety.
    ^ a b McClintock, Pamela (October 29, 2010). "Fox's 'Vampire Hunter' to open in 2012". Variety.
    ^ "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Trailer Hits the Web". Retrieved February 15, 2012.
    ^ ""Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" Holds NYC Premiere". Retrieved June 19, 2012.
    ^ Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter - Movie Reviews - Rotten Tomatoes
    ^ Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Reviews, Ratings, Credits, and More - Metacritic
    ^ Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Movie Review: Four-score and Seven Corpses | Entertainment |
    ^ Review: `Abraham Lincoln' a murky, joyless hunt -
    ^ Brave | Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter | To Rome With Love | Pixar Plays It Safe | Film Reviews by Joe Morgenstern -
    ^ ‘Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter,’ with Benjamin Walker, is not a bloody good combination - NY Daily News
    ^ [ ‘Abraham Lincoln - Vampire Hunter’ -
    ^ Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter - Film Calendar - The Austin Chronicle
    ^ 'Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter' finely dices history –
    ^ Honest Abe slays demons in 'Vampire Hunter'
    ^ "iTunes - Music - Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Original Motion Picture Soundtrack by Henry Jackman". Retrieved June 19, 2012.
    ^ " Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter: Various Artists: Music". Retrieved June 19, 2012.
    ^ "Linkin Park’s 'Powerless' Featured in Trailer for "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" Movie". Retrieved June 19, 2012.
    ^ "ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER Soundtrack Cover Art And Track Listing". Retrieved June 19, 2012.

External links

    Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter at the Internet Movie Database
    Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter at Rotten Tomatoes
    Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter — Music Trailer on YouTube


James J. Olson said...

Dreadful. And I can't wait for it to come out on Netflix.

Vleeptron Dude said...

Ah yeah, well ... I forgot to mention the Guilty Pleasure aspect of AL:VH. It's like a ghastly car accident: you can't look away.

Eventually one of the great figures in emancipation, Harriet Tubman, shows up to give Abe a hand in defeating the vampires.

Don't miss it.