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21 July 2012

whip me beat me make me write checks on insufficient funds / have fun at college sweetie / bodice-rippers / my Harlequin moment / filth / smut / vile books

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read books to engorge

1st Day Issue: Postalo Vleeptron
USA Public Libraries
"I want to read that."

So anyway there were these 2 young & perky roommates in the dorm at college, and one of them was the editor of the college newspaper, but she had a bad cold and asked her roommate to please interview this Rich Famous Guy that she had scored an interview with. The rich famous guy's name was Grey. 

So she did, she went to interview the Grey guy, proobably in his fancy hotel room, and one thing led to another, and at the parts where she was supposed to scream "No!" she didn't, and they did stuff she didn't even know French or Italian words for, and they did it so much and so often that it became a New York Times No. 1 Best-Seller (fiction). 

And then they did it some more, and the next two books got on the Best-Seller List too.

I was just innocently wandering down the book and magazine and Summer Picnic Supplies aisle of the Stop & Shop when these naughty books leapt into my face. I was SHOCKED! SHOCKED! I tell you that they sell this kind of filthy smut at the Stop & Shop! I go in there for mustard & ketchup, not for Sodom & Gemorrah.

One time I went into this wonderful 100-year-old teeny-tiny public library, The Lily Library in Florence, Massachusetts (a block or 2 from the beautiful Sojourner Truth statue) and I noticed they had an Erotica Section. At the checkout desk i made a little joke about it. 

But the young woman librarian was not amused.

"Our patrons have the right to read whatever they want to read," she said with an icy stare. This librarian babe was Serious.

My town's even teenier-weenier public library has a big sign on its website:

The library maintains an open, 

unbiased environment and upholds 
the public’s right of access to information.

Some local weirdo hides in the bushes with a smartphone or a laptop and spies on the library's free wi-fi and on what the library patrons are looking at on the library computers.

... and he complains loudly and self-righteously to the Town, demanding that this Wrong Looking stop immediately and forever.

... and the Library tells him to blow it out his ass, because it's none of the Library's business what its patrons want to surf on the library computers.

Oh yeah, the itty-bitty public library bought the Shades of Grey books. And they are enjoying a brisk circulation, neckties, masks, handcuffs and all.

Woo-woo! Hubba-hubba!
In the book trade, most of this stuff is called Bodice Rippers. Soft-core porn in which hot-blooded heterosexuals (strictly 2 at a time) who are of legal age but aren't married Fool Around a Lot and steam up the car windows.

About 15 years ago -- a few years BEFORE 9/11 -- the FBI called upon the USA's public libraries to notify the FBI if a library patron was reading Strange Books with Un-American Ideas and Recipes for Making Explosives.

The American Library Association told the FBI to blow it out their ass and go fuck themselves. (That might not have been the ALA's exact wording.) No warrant signed by a judge? Tough shit, no info about what the patrons like to read.

Well, anyway, as you can see from the stamp, the publishers of the "Shades of Grey" book have paid me the honor of asking me to write the 4th book in the series, so there it is in the lower right corner. 

In this new book, Grey doesn't use a condom as he's tying up the pretty college girl with his fancy necktie, and she gets pregnant, and they have a baby, and they have to change its diapers all the time, and get its DPT vaccination, and it screams all the time, and they're never getting any sleep, and they're too tired to tie each other up and do smutty stuff to one another anymore. Watch for it to show up on the NY Times Best-Seller List any day now.

Once upon a time a very funny writer got herself a date and an interview with Fabio, the big Italian hunk-ola who used to be the model hunk-ola of all the covers of all the paperback Bodice-Rippers. 

At the appointed moment, Fabio enters the room and sits down across from her.

She wrote: "My bosom heaved."

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