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02 September 2007

These must be OUTLAWED!!! Immediately!!! They're a Threat to the Public Health! Ban them (as soon as I finish eating 24 of them)!!!

During the last year, under the care of a new and excellent endocrinology staff, my diabetes and overall health have improved dramatically. Of course I lie and I cheat outrageously about such things, but with the new Borg Implant that precisely and scientifically delivers my insulin, they have ways of knowing if I'm lying and cheating.

You can't fool software. Try fooling an ATM which doesn't want to give you any cash into making it give you some cash anyway.

Meanwhile, I am so tired, day after day and month after month, of eating nothing but healthy, nutritious, sensible food, in pre-measured appropriate little portions. It is simultaneously keeping me alive and healthy, and robbing me of the desire to keep living.

Here is an advertising poster and a label from Devil Girl Choco-Bar, which is So Bad For Me, and So Bad For You, that it's pretty hard to find, even at the Kwiky Mart (where Apu wonders if the beef jerky and gin miniatures he sells to Homer Simpson might have something to do with Homer's heart attack).

The artist, of course, is Robert Crumb. If you want a Devil Girl Choco-Bar, your best bet is a specialty comic book store. They're also sold at art cinemas which are showing the remarkable documentary "Crumb."

Or perhaps, if you're feeling suicidal, you can find them on-line and order a 24-pack. No human being, diabetic or not, could possibly survive eating eleven of these. You can leave the uneaten ones in your will to your worst enemy. Both of you will die smiling.

I don't even think they bother to list the ingredients as required by law. Take a guess. Chocolate, Fat, Sugar.

Very hard to read, but I think this is what the label says:

7 EVILS IN ONE!

1. Delicious Taste

2. Quick, Cheap [Blast? Rush?]

3. Bad For Your Health

4. Leads to Hard Drugs

5. Waste of Money

6. Made by Sleazy Businessmen

7. Exploits Women

1 comment:

Jim Olson said...

Seems to me I remember selling an awful lot of those bars during the week we showed "Crumb" at the Academy.

What an odd and eccentric individual. The line between genius and insanity is a precariously thin one, and R. Crumb danced on it quite regularly. His brother fell on the insane side. I went to seminary with a Crumb relative who also was quite aware of that line, though approached it with great caution and dread, rather than embracing it as his more famous cousin did.