CRUMMY OLD WINE: Elmer Elevator's Space Taxi / PIZZAQ: Identify every logo on the Space Taxi / also: Porfirio's Secret Revealed

Well of course click, it'll get as big
as Porfirio Rubirosa's pepper grinder.

Without ever asking my permission, without so much as a By Your Leave, the Web Archive called Wayback has archived my old website "Elmer Elevator's Discount Prep." I was getting really sick of e-mails from young guys all around the world asking my advice on how they could become exactly like the dead Dominican satyriatic fascist gigolo Porfirio Rubirosa, so I took EEDP out in the backyard and shot it and buried it about six or seven years ago, and I thought that would be the end of it.

(Oh, the secret to being Porfirio Rubirosa is to grow a giant monster penis maybe 2 feet / 0.67 meters long and as wide as a salami. That's how he did it. To this day, those enormous giant pepper grinders in fancy restaurants are called Rubirosas.

Well, I mean, if you were the richest heterosexual woman on Earth, wouldn't you pay millions of dollars to have sex with the world's biggest penis? And then pay more millions when you got tired of him and wanted him to go away? What's money for, anyway? Poor women are punished with ordinary and itty-bitty penises, which are perfectly satisfactory for getting you pregnant and leaving a wet spot on the sheet. In a memoir, Truman Capote -- who would notice and remember something like that -- claims to have seen Porfirio's Giant Monster Schlong in a swimming pool cabana.)

But Wayback had other ideas. Whoever runs Wayback apparently believes NOTHING in C-space should ever be allowed to disappear. (Who the hell PAYS their storage costs???)

Well -- I'm flattered. And it's also a Pain In The Ass. It's The Website Which Will Not Die. Fortunately the Wayback mirror of EEDP is sorta hard to find.

As the years go by and I visit Wayback EEDP now and then, I notice that all the text is preserved, but one by one my images are disappearing. So I'm rescuing this one, one of my faves. And slicking it up a bit from the original.

Do you believe George Bush's promise that the USA and NASA are re-cranking our efforts and will send humans to the Moon again and then to Mars?

Are you drunk or on drugs, or have you stopped taking your meds? He just promised that crap to try to divert your attention from his whack Iraq War. NASA's no nearer to sending humans to Mars than it was in the Clinton or the Bush 1 or the Reagan administration.

I'm still very schizo about manned (humaned?) space exploration. Rationally, logically and scientifically, it's always been a P.T. Barnum Klown Circus. Anything that REALLY needs to be done in Space can be done far far far better, more effectively, and a gazillion times cheaper than sending humans into Space.

And if a robot probe fucks up, you don't have to declare a National Month of Mourning, and stop sending Shuttles into orbit for three years. Nobody weeps for dead robots. Did you cry when you finally had to throw out your old toaster oven?

You know it, I know it, NASA knows it, Bush knows it, and every expert Space Scientist knows it.

But if you ask me: Would I like to go into Space?

Slobber drool. If I had a gazillion dollars, I'd be one of the gazillionaires who buys a tourist ticket to the Space Station aboard a Russian rocket. Before NASA blew up the teacher, I was applying to be the First Journalist in Space.

Would I like to go to Mars? Double slobber, triple drool.

This image originally ran on a post called

I WANT TO GO
TO MARS NOW!!!

Because Bush is a Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire, I have removed the USA flag from the original Space Taxi. For one thing, we can't be trusted to keep Space free of Nasty Secret Military Warlike crap. Half the Shuttle missions are Top-Secret Classified Military Missions.

Also after 7 years of my Piece of Shit Hewlett-Packard computer, I have removed the HP logo and substituted the logo of my New Supercomputer, the envy of dentists and insurance agencies the world over.

Space Travel is expensive, particularly Humaned Space Travel, so the Dwingeloo-2 & Melkweg Space Exploration Buro is paying for these voyages by selling advertising space on the Taxi, just like NASCAR racers paint VIAGRA all over their cars.

Now, for a piece of Pizza for every correct answer, you got to

1. Identify every Logo on the Space Taxi -- there are now 8 unique Logos -- and

2. Say a few words about the Logo, explain a little about the Entity or Product the Logo represents.

If you actually KNOW anything about Space Ships, please feel free to Leave A Comment about my design, what works, what sucks.

I'm not happy about the Fission Reactor that powers it, but as you get farther and farther from the Sun, the Al Gore Solar Panel Design gets less and less usable because of The Law of Inverse Squares. In other words, the farther you get from The Sun, the less Solar Energy there is to power the Space Taxi. (Also very little Wind Power out there around the Oort Cloud.)

So stick a block of radium or plutonium or uranium in the sucker and you can get all the electricity and heat you want for as long as you want no matter what dark corner of the Solar System you want to wander to.

Okay now I want you to imagine me hopping frantically up and down with a look of terrible pain on my face. What am I?

(scroll down for Answer)














ANSWER: First Man On The Sun

(I really love those ancient old jokes. Richard Pryor did that in a movie once.)