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27 August 2016

once more the Yellow Fiend violates our young caucasian daughters, but now it's in color! / maybe someday Fu in RealD! IMax Fu!

Click to start Western Hemisphere panic stampede

I forgot the Color. Or Colour. Technicolor. Pathecolor, I guess. Eastmancolor. Agfa, I think they made color film too.  I guess there was TohoColor.

But the buzz is that Only Technicolor (the first color process) does not fade in strange odd directions after decades of time. The hoe-down in 7 Brides for 7 Brothers is precisely the same color palette as in 1954.

Not so Agfa or Eastman or Warnercolor. Before Lana Turner has died irl, her Hot Bad Contessa has puked all over the big screen. (Computers can guess very closely and restore attractive color movies, but it's just brainiac's educated guess at the original colors. Every modern "colorizer" of old b&w films is now (a) Dead and (b) writhing eternally in the fires of Hell.)

I think this Christopher Lee Fu series was shot a lot in the Republic of Ireland. If it looks anything like this movie, Go! Go Now! I don't know what that BREXIT Syntho-Panic will do to the Irish Pound. When in doubt about currencies, take (ahem) United States Dollars.

Or, okay, Swiss Francs. If I need to shlep around 22 gazillion zlööties in value, I'll be more than happy to take the suitcase of Swiss Francs. How much is nice restaurant dinner in Berne? (url of menu also nice)

Help! I am trapped 
in the Evil World of
Doctor Fu-Manchu
the Yellow Peril incarnate!

He's oh like 140 years old. He went to Edinburgh (Scotland!) Uni for a doctorate, some other Hot Place for another -- this mid-19th century Wunderkind could get accepted anywhere, any uni, Italian Alps or Himalaya U. You name it, if it makes people sick or fall asleep or dead or obey your every suggestion unto certain Death, Fu has taken two or more semesters of it and got Top Marks each time.

I have seen maybe all 103 Fu Manchu movies and I strongly suspect Fu Manchu has big hetero-oriented life drives and a Lamborghini Libido, the S-3 model. 

Fu digs chicks. Lot of blonde white European young (about uni/college age) attractive girls, and if he has to send Dacoits or Thugees to abduct them in a duffel bag at midnight -- well, sobeit, if that's what Dr. Fu wants, warm up the minibus.

We know he has a 20-ish daughter who is Eviler than Fu himself. Sometimes she slinks her irresistible charms to get stuff done the way Dad likes it, sometimes she is 100 percent For Her Royal Highness the Princess & Her Desires, no matter who gets turned into Mongo Sausage. 

She gets thwarted a lot just when she thinks she can bang & wed Flash, kill Dad, and boil Dale into a stew for the wedding guests. (I think Flash eventually develops sincere feelings for Ming's hot leather whip-wielding dottir. Who among us guys has never fallen hard for the Very Bad Undependable Girl?)

I am not the first guy to suggest that Fu Manchu = Ming the Merciless XXIII, Emperor of Planet Mongo.

Except Ming is not Chinese. Or Japanese. or any authentic Asian human.

Ming -- whomever he boils or violates -- is an imaginary figure, a bad dream captured on celluloid for Saturday kiddie matinees. 

If you tickle him, he does not laugh. If you prick him, he does not bleed. If you poison him, he does not die. He is all moustache -- but he has no real ethnic feelings to hurt, no right to complain to the Human Rights Commission. That's how you're treated if you're a fictional villain. You can inhumanely brutalize and degrade Ming & his Cohorts for as long as the serial runs.

So if Ming or his Bad Daughter or any Bad Mongo Princes get their just deserts at the end of The Last Episode, let Justice prevail! Disembowel them! Hurl her into the erupting volcano! (a central component of the Szyszyntology Mythos). 

For one or two episodes, Flash was banished to stoke the Uranium Furnaces in the palace basement. (No Earth Human can survive beyond 3 days and nights in the Uranium Furnaces. It's Certain Death for Flash!) So any Payback -- well, those Mongonian tusked swine deserve it. And worse! They asked for it. They messed with our women.

Hey, you media guys -- no cell phones, no GoPros in the Justice Room! Turn that thing off now, or I'll take it.

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