Cahiers du Vleeptron: oh god jesus christ a giant poisonous snake just leaped out of the toilet bowl and is biting me in the penis!!!

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Google Image Search had about 10,000 hits for "Snakes on a Plane," but I couldn't find the precise two images from this fine piece of Cinema, which we rented from NetFlix and watched last night.

So I shall have to reconstruct my two favorite scenes.

In (A), two naughty teenagers lock themselves in the second-class bathroom aboard a 747 to smoke marijuana (which does not set off the bathroom's smoke alarm) and then have Hot Pounding Sex. (Since planes first had enough room to try to have sex, this has been called "The Mile High Club.") An instant before mutual simultaneous explosive orgasm, a huge venomous snake suddenly appears and buries its fangs in the girl's young firm attractive right breast. Other snakes follow and kill both of them horribly.

In (B), a much more innocent man goes into the plane's bathroom just to take a whiz, but a large venomous snake leaps out of the toilet bowl and devours the man's penis. For the next 10 seconds the man writhes and dances around the bathroom trying to pull the deadly snake off his penis -- which you can't see, because a snake has swallowed it. All you can see is the man with his pants down screaming and trying to pull the giant viper off his penis.

I'm no film critic. Vleeptron is not Cahiers du Cinema.

But I learned from "Snakes on a Plane" that you should never fly on an airplane infested with hundreds of deadly venomous snakes who have been made violently aggressive by being sprayed with snake pheremones.

Oh, okay, I am a film critic. "Snakes on a Plane" is to Cinema what sugar-glazed jelly doughnuts are to Haute Cuisine.

By the last reel, the entire cockpit crew has been murdered by the snakes, so as the 747 from Hawaii nears Los Angeles, there's nobody aboard who can land the airplane. Everybody who hasn't already been bitten to death by an overaggressive pheremone-pumped toxic snake is doomed to die in a plane crash.

But there's a MIRACLE! There IS somebody who can land the airplane!

PizzaQ! Pretend you're the screenwriter. Finish off "Snakes on a Plane."

It's 2006, a 747 full of a socio-economic cross-section of Modern American People of all backgrounds and races, rich, poor, black, white, Asian, young, old, skinny, fat, straight, gay.

(Well, you think he's gay until the last 30 seconds of the movie, then it turns out he was straight all along. Sorry. Oh, and Rosebud was his sled.)

2 Slices! Who lands the plane?

(NOT the Flight Attendant ... to date 250 stewardesses/flight attendants have landed movie airliners.)

You're eligible to answer the PizzaQ even if you saw the movie.

But you MUST use your REAL NAME so everybody in Cyberspace, and your Mom, will know you watched "Snakes on a Plane."

One of Life's Most Delicious Experiences is to spend 93 minutes wallowing mindlessly in total excrement-filled mud.

Look at pigs in a sty. Are they enjoying life, or what?

I'm not ashamed of myself, S.W.M.B.O. was the one who ordered "Snakes on a Plane." I just didn't want her to have to wallow alone. I am a loving husband.

The teen girl passenger was a hottie until the snake leaped out and bit her in her firm attractive right teen breast.

She shouldn't have smoked the illegal marijuana or had sex until she was married. Let this be a warning to all young people reading this.

This film is rated R for Ridiculous.

Never expose your penis to a toilet bowl before inspecting it (the toilet bowl, not your penis) carefully first.

When I was a kid I had to paint the underside of the holes of outhouses with creosote. Black widow spiders, which like to nest under the seats of outhouses, are nearly blind, and think dangling testicals are prey.