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16 July 2007

Call for Papers: Why do Conservatives pay, but Liberals get it for free?

Could it be that this Arkansas columnist John Brummett has discovered a fundamental difference between conservatives and liberals?

When the wife of a conservative's back is turned, or the conservative is out of town, or his wife is out of town, and the conservative wants to get his ashes hauled, he contracts with a professional and pays for it, or he has to pay for it because he can't find anybody willing to give it away for free, or he sincerely believes his belief in the Free Market System requires him to pay for it.

Liberals, on the other hand, get their consensual adult extramarital sex for free -- the dreaded Free Love that has been scaring the bejeezus out of civilization from the dawn of time.

A British woman I know calls a man's extramarital or extra-relation sexual adventures "Strange," as in, "Wilst I was visiting Mum in Slough, Larry got himself a little Strange." If Larry didn't have to pay, he was probably a liberal. If he phoned Evening Primrose Escort Associates, he was probably a Tory.

Henceforth Vleeptron calls this fundamental distinction the Clinton-Vitter Ash-Hauling Paradigm. And we're calling for scholars and academics and Klaas from Rotterdam to submit papers in support or critique of this theory.

Vleeptron has never issued a call for papers before. Do they all have to be in .PDF format? I really hate .PDF format. But anyway, submit your papers on the Clinton-Vitter Ash-Hauling Paradigm. (In Lousiana, it's called the Edwards-Vitter A.H.P.)

If anybody knows whch kind of kitchen utensil, blunt and heavy, or sharp and surgical, Mrs. Vitter is using on Senator Vitter this week, please Leave A Comment.

~ ~ ~

The Morning News
Northwest Arkansas USA
Sunday 15 July 2007

Sexual Difference: Fee Or Free

by John Brummett

It appears there's another main difference between some of our leading liberals -- Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton -- and some of our leading conservatives -- Jimmy Swaggart, Dick Morris, Ted Haggard and now U.S. Sen. David Vitter of Louisiana.

Those leading conservatives paid for extramarital sex while those leading liberals, so far as we know or are given to suspect, engaged in it free of charge.

This could mean several things, including, one supposes, that leading conservatives, or at least those cited here, can't land extracurriculars otherwise.

Perhaps conservatives tend to be less responsible with money, as their borrow-and-spend fiscal policies might attest.

It also could be that leading conservatives, beset by strict moral standards they espouse but are loath to meet, tend to be too ashamed and hung-up to engage other than underground in extramarital relations. Maybe one has a toe fetish, which is not an everyday taste. Maybe another likes his entanglements with persons of his own gender, though he preaches against it.

There's no maybe to either of those, actually. Morris had the toe interest.

The Rev. Haggard railed on Sundays from a Colorado megachurch's stage against homosexuality, then proceeded to pay a guy in Denver for something that caused Haggard to confess to unspecified immorality. The guy in Denver said it was the same thing Clinton engaged in for free with Monica Lewinsky that Clinton insisted wasn't sex.

It could be that some leading conservatives devalue their fellow women, or men, looking upon them purely as physical commodities to be used for fleshly gratification without emotional attachment or compassion. After all, George W. Bush felt obliged to assert that his conservatism was compassionate, as if routine conservatism wasn't.

The latest prostitute solicitor on the Christian right is Vitter. He once wrote an op-ed column declaring Clinton "morally unfit" to be president. Because he didn't pay, apparently.

It turns out there's a "Washington Madam" who outed some of her clients the other day. Vitter's name showed up from years ago, when he was a mere congressman. He confessed promptly and said that he, his wife, the Lord and a marriage counselor had worked through all this. Then the "Canal Street Madam" in New Orleans came forward to say that Vitter had visited her employees in the 1990s.

Vitter has a 100 percent voting record from a Christian-right group. He once said he represented Louisiana values, not Massachusetts ones. He may have been right. Higher divorce rates are common in red states with the most pervasive family-values rhetoric.

Vitter often has declared that a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage is the nation's greatest priority. Confronted with his constituents' suffering from Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, he said it just went to show why he'd always been against gay marriage.

Rita. Katrina. Female names. Get it?

Fortunately for Vitter, his wife's actions are no more consistent with her rhetoric than his own. When Vitter was accused years ago of frequenting a New Orleans prostitute, which he denied, his wife said that, if he ever did such a thing, she'd be more like Lorena Bobbitt than Hillary Clinton.

Having heard nothing from emergency rooms, we can assume Mrs. Vitter merely talked that easy talk and didn't walk that tough walk. There's a lot of that on the moralizing right these days.

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John Brummett has been writing about Arkansas and national politics for three decades and as a regular columnist since 1986. Last year he won first place in commentary writing from the national Association of Capitol Reporters and Editors. This year he took second place in humorous commentary in an 11-state Southern competition sponsored by the Society of Professional Journalists. Email Brummett at jbrummett@arkansasnews.com. Check out Brummett's blog for the latest in Arkansas political news.

All content © The Morning News. Unauthorized distribution prohibited.

2 comments:

James J. Olson said...

Seems that Senator Kyl (R-AZ) isn't sure that what Senator Vitter (R-LA) did was illegal.

Ya can't write this stuff. One adulterer defending another one, and both of them 'family-values' anti-gay marriage legislators.

Pot, meet kettle.

http://www.americablog.com/2007/07/gop-sen-kyl-says-he-doesnt-know-if.html

Vleeptron Dude said...

from the above americablog URL:

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Monday, July 16, 2007

ACTION ALERT: GOP Sen. Kyl says he doesn't know if prostitution is a crime

by John Aravosis (DC) · 7/16/2007 08:21:00 AM ET

Discuss this post here: Comments (98) · digg it · reddit · FARK · · Link

GOP Senator Jon Kyl (R-AZ), when asked on CNN if Senator David Vitter (R-Louis.) should resign after allegations that he paid a DC hooker for some extra-marital adultery:

"I don't know what it is that he has apologized for, and until it's clear that there's some kind of crime that was committed, that was of such a nature that he should resign, it seems to me that talk is a little premature."

Well, actually, Senator Kyl, we know exactly what David Vitter apologized for. He apologized for frequenting hookers here in DC while married, and prostitute in DC is illegal. As for adultery, that was traditionally a crime in this country, and certainly is a big Biblical crime (Leviticus says you should surely be put to death).

So it's time to go back to Senators Vitter and Kyl.

Call Senator Vitter's office:
Washington, D.C.
516 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510
Phone: (202) 224-4623
Fax: (202) 228-5061

Ask Vitter what exactly he was apologizing for - did he pay a prostitute for sex while he was married to his wife? And if he thinks his marriage is between him and his wife, then why was it okay for him to publicly speak out against the marriages of gay and lesbians couples, but it's not okay for gay and lesbian couples to speak out against the dangers of his marriage? Vitter said once that gay marriage was more dangerous than Hurricane Katrina. And what are Senator Vitter's views on adultery? Is it wrong? What are his views on prostitution? Should it remain a crime? And what is the proper punishment for a US Senator who is a criminal?

Call Senator Jon Kyl
WASHINGTON, D.C. OFFICE
730 Hart Senate Building
Washington, D.C. 20510
Phone: (202) 224-4521
Fax: (202) 224-2207

Then we need to ask Kyl why he isn't sure if prostitution is a crime. Does Senator Kyl not think prostitution should be a crime? Does he think the crime of prostitution (and adultery) is enough to merit a "family values" Senator resigning. Does Kyle oppose adultery, does he think it should be a crime? If Senator Kyl is so fond of protecting the sanctity of marriage then why did he go on CNN this morning and defend adultery and a known adulterer.

Labels: adultery, david vitter, senator kyl